Post-Covid, cruising has experienced a serious boom. Here’s how to navigate the age-old sexual tradition as safely as possible.

WORDS BOBBY BOX AND GAY TIMES EDITORS

While cruising dates all the way back to Ancient Greece, it experienced its greatest boom during the 70s, a time of queer liberation when the gay community was able to experience some semblance of freedom. This was greatly impacted by the HIV crisis in the 80s, which fundamentally altered our relationship and approach to sex.

The same could be argued for Covid. The virus prevented people from going out in public, let alone being physically intimate with another human being. Dating app usage and sex toy purchases surged as a result, offering an alternative to the connection we so desperately craved. But we quickly grew tired of both, and became desperate for physical intimacy.

During the pandemic, many folks deemed cruising a safer option, as sex would be taking place outdoors. With assistance of map-based cruising apps like Sniffies making their mark around this time, cruising not only felt safer, but more accessible. Sniffies really took off following Covid in 2020. The timing was perfect, people were exhausted with endless chatting on apps, preferring n0-strings sex, which Sniffies offered. The app has only continued to grow since. For example, London saw a staggering 475 percent growth in usership from 2022 to 2023. 

It would seem that for many, the queer response to an epidemic is going back to basics, and we keep finding ourselves in the same woods, parks and open spaces as the queer generations before us, where we can be free to enjoy ourselves until the next public health crisis comes along. 

Since cruising has become commodifiable and as publicly accessible as ever, it’s especially important we stay safe; not only from the law, but from the possible dangers or hazards that may occur in more casual sexual environments. 

Cruising harm reduction advice

Cruising has an important role in queer history and in today’s community, but it does come with risks. That’s why we’ve assembled some harm-reduction tips for staying safe and having a cordial cruise.

Read up on the law in your country or state

Cruisers might be vulnerable to public indecency or trespassing charges depending on where they are in the world and the individual circumstances of how they are hooking up, so it’s important to be aware of any relevant legislation in your country or state and remain out of view of non-cruisers.

In the UK, there is no law against outdoor sex if you are concealed from the view of other individuals – though having sex in public facilities (such as toilets) is against the law. 

Keep sexual health in mind

When it comes to sexual health, the official advice will always be to wear a condom for casual sex as a form of protection against STIs such as HIV, gonorrhoea and chlamydia. However, we know that this advice doesn’t always match the community’s sexual realities.

We recommend regularly getting tested so that you know what your status is and can share it with any prospective partners before casual sex. With cruising, as with all sexual encounters, it’s important to be able to converse – however quickly or informally – with prospective sexual partners regarding the use of condoms or PrEP and to use that information to inform whether you want to proceed.

In situations involving unprotected sex, where you’re not sure of a partner’s status, we recommend accessing PEP – a short course of treatment which reduces your risk of contracting HIV when taken within 72 hours (though it is most effective when taken within 24 hours).

In the UK, PEP is available for free on the NHS via your local sexual health clinic, whereas in the US you can use the HIV.gov Locator to find PEP services near you. 

Research your cruising spot

Staying safe while cruising starts before you leave the house. Do a little research on the area you plan to cruise before heading over to the spot. A quick Google search on common cruising spaces in your area will return with reviews and the types of people you can find there. 

However, Race Bannon, educator, activist and author of Learning The Ropes: A Basic Guide to Safe and Fun BDSM Lovemaking, says that sometimes the information from search engines can be inaccurate, especially in terms of safety. He believes the better option is to speak with other cruisers in the community. Be it face-to-face or over an app, like Sniffies.

“To make it even simpler to cruise, Sniffies allows cruisers to check-in to and post updates to Cruising Locations on the map – that means you can see who else is there, and what they’re looking for before you leave home,” CMO & Creative Director of Sniffies, Eli Martin, adds.

Let someone know where you are

We all have the friend who knows when we hoe. So make sure you let that precious pal in on where and when you’ll be cruising prior to leaving and how long you expect to be there. And, of course, send them a text when you’re home safe.

“It’s best to discuss this arrangement with a friend ahead of time so when it comes time to send them said information, they’re ready to receive it,” Bannon adds. “You should also ask the friend to respond to make sure they’ve received the information before you leave.”

Depending on your comfort level, may also want to use a location-sharing app like Find My Friends, so your friends can get accurate information about your whereabouts.

Travel light

You’re not going on vacation or a camping trip, so leave any unneeded cash, valuables, and jewellery at home. “You’ll want to keep your phone, wallet, and keys somewhere close at hand, but secure; something like a fanny pack is a great option,” Martin says. 

You’re also going to want to bring some lube. Since most lube bottles are rather large to keep on your person, opt for a travel-sized bottle or lube packets. As an added effort, you can lubricate your hole with a lube applicator prior to leaving, and re-apply as needed throughout the experience.

Survey the environment and gauge your safety

Most cruising sites are busiest during the dark, so keep an eye out on your surroundings. Does the environment feel safe? Does it feel cruisey? If not, leave or play it cool for a while, until you spot other cruisers. 

Get the vibe on the area before acting on anything. Sometimes the spot may feel too public, too empty, or perhaps the people cruising aren’t your type. All of these reasons are valid for saying no or fleeing the experience. What’s most important is you don’t do anything you aren’t comfortable with, and not to let others pressure you. “If at any point the feeling of fear outweighs excitement, it’s time to disengage,” Martin says.

Let cruisers know you’re interested

“Eye contact will always be the first sign that someone’s interested in messing around in a cruising environment,” Martin says. “You’ll know they’re into you if they catch your eye and maintain eye contact for just an instant longer than expected – if you’re really unsure, it’s usually about a count of three.” 

However, signs and signals might vary based on your environment. For example, in a sauna or steam room, a guy might perform a suspicious amount of towel adjusting to let you know they’re into you. 

If the cruising spot is busy and there’s heavy traffic, Bannon recommends giving this person the “cruisy look”, walking ahead 10-20 feet, then stopping and looking back for a moment. “If they look back too, there’s a very good chance they’re interested.”

Reject cruisers respectfully

There’s not often a lot of talking during cruising, but a verbal “no” is the easiest way to convey your disinterest in another cruiser. Don’t be afraid to turn someone down, but don’t be rude either. Rejection is par for the course, and just as it’s important that others respect your rejection of their advances, always make sure the other person is interested in you before making your next move. 

“When you’re cruising, a ‘no’ is just as important as a ‘yes,’” Martin says. “If you’re trying to catch their eye, and they won’t maintain that all important shared eye contact, that’s a surefire sign they’re not into it.” 

Some ways people may say “no” via signalling is by moving away from you, avoiding your glance, shaking their head “no”, double tapping their body, or moving your hand off of them if you reach out. 

“Generations of cruisers have figured out how to speak this language; you’ll pick it up too,” Martin assures.

Reporting crime

Unfortunately, cruising is not exempt from issues in the wider world. As cruising mostly takes place in secluded outdoor areas instead of  a monitored venue, cruisers can be vulnerable to crime.

If you have sadly become the victim of an attack such as a hate crime, robbery or sexual assault, you should feel assured in your right to go to the police and report it as you would any other crime.

Regardless of whether you report an incident to the authorities, you may want to spread the word to the wider community via social media or simply by word of mouth. This can help other cruisers be aware of potential threats in specific locations.

There are dedicated resources to help you if you have been the victim of sexual violence or hate crime which will be available at your local LGBTQIA+ centre or sexual health clinic. You can also find details of resources for the UK and US below.

US:

RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network). Hotline: 800-656-HOPE

NCAVP (National Coalition of Anti-Violence Programs). Hotline: 212-714-1141

The LGBT National Hotline. Hotline: 888-843 -4564

UK:

Switchboard (The UK’s national LGBTQIA+ Helpline). Hotline: 0800 0119 100

SARCS (Sexual Assault Response Coordination Service):

Find a SARCS centre in England via the NHS England website.

Find a SARCS centre in Wales via the NHS Wales website.

SARCS Scotland Hotline: 0800 148 88 88

The Rowan (Northern Ireland’s SARCS centre) Hotline: 0800 389 4424

The post A harm reduction guide to cruising appeared first on GAY TIMES.

“In a most general sense, the more a fraysexual gets to know a person, the less sexually desirable that individual becomes”

WORDS BY BOBBY BOX
HEADER BY YOSEF PHELAN

If you’re someone who routinely finds yourself becoming less sexually attracted to somebody the better you get to know them, there is a chance you may be fraysexual.

Of course, I cannot label anybody’s sexuality apart from my own, but I did somewhat recently post about this sexual orientation on social media and messages came flooding in from grateful folks who were relieved to discover that there was terminology for the unique way they experience sexual attraction.

Fraysexuals are individuals who are sexually attracted to strangers, or people they don’t know very well. In a most general sense, the more a fraysexual gets to know a person, the less sexually desirable that individual becomes. The degree to which this happens will vary by individual, of course, but that is the gist.

Fraysexuality is a sexual orientation on the asexuality spectrum. Contrary to popular opinion, this isn’t because they don’t experience sexual attraction, rather they experience sexual attraction in a very specific way.

Fraysexuality is considered the opposite of demisexuality, a sexual orientation describing someone who experiences sexual attraction only after they’ve established an emotional connection. For example, where a demisexual may require several dates before experiencing sexual attraction, a fraysexual would likely lose sexual attraction the better they get acquainted with someone.

Like most niche sexual orientations, people often dismiss the legitimacy of fraysexuality, insisting the person simply has “commitment issues” or an avoidant attachment style. This isn’t true, and the result of a lack of information and visibility. A fraysexual can have commitment issues and/or an avoidant attachment style, but sexual orientation is its own entity apart from these traits.

“How one feels about committing to a relationship–particularly feeling anxious, nervous or avoidant of making relationship commitments–is not connected to our sexual orientations and how bodies function within our sexual orientation,” Cody Daigle-Orians, asexuality educator, author and creator of Ace Dad Advice, explains. “[Fraysexuality is] a physical experience that has been demonstrated as a pattern over time, and is how this person functions concerning sexual attraction. There isn’t going to be ‘The One’ who will be different for them. This is who they are to their core.”

The Good Men Project offers qualities folks who think they may be fraysexual should consider: First, although you long for a stable and loving relationship, you gradually lose interest in sex. Second, early on in a relationship, you have intense sexual desire, which gradually fades as you get to know the other person better. Next, no matter how committed you are emotionally, you cannot rekindle the flame. And last, you are more attracted sexually to strangers than to those you know well.

Ben, 33, identifies as fraysexual, and says he’s never been the type to need a romantic or emotional connection to enjoy sex. If anything, these emotions would detract from it. This became particularly evident in his prior relationship, where he’d regularly cheat with strangers instead of having sex with his partner.

When they split, Ben decried he’d never be in a monogamous relationship again, and instead pursued his ambitions of becoming an “ethical slut.” Ben is now happy in an open relationship, and fully discloses the sex he has outside of his relationship with his partner. In fact, it’s become foreplay. “We both love hearing about the other’s random hookups during sex, and it’s sort of a way to bring that thrill of unattached sex into our loving sex life,” he says.

Jasper, 35, is a fraysexual who feels similarly about monogamy. “As a fraysexual, committing to monogamy is equivalent to celibacy; I cannot find sexual satisfaction inside a relationship,” they say. “Over the last ten years, I’ve been able to find rewarding and fulfilling non-monogamous relationships that have given me the freedom to express my sexuality outside of my relationship.”

Jasper first caught wind of fraysexuality when listening to Savage Lovecast, a sex advice podcast from Dan Savage. Though it was mentioned just briefly, Jasper was intrigued by what he’d heard and rushed to Google the term.

“The description validated the many confusing feelings I have experienced with everyone I have ever dated,” they remember. “My relationships always start hot and heavy, but my sexual interest dwindles after a few months, even as emotional intimacy continues to grow.”

Not long after, Jasper sat down with their partner and explained the discovery. While their boyfriend wasn’t thrilled by the news, he was grateful to know that the lack of sexual desire wasn’t about him. They decided to navigate Jasper’s new discovery together.

“The conversation helped us temper expectations about what our sex life has to look like,” they say. “Like all relationships, it requires constant communication about our wants, needs, and desires to make it work.”

As a fraysexual, committing to monogamy is equivalent to celibacy

While Jasper and Ben happen to be in open relationships, fraysexuals can thrive in any type of relationship style. As Jasper said, the key is being clear about your wants, needs, and desires.

“The partners have to be clear about how they function in relation to sex and sexual practice and are committed to being frank about changes in the dynamic,” Daigle-Orians says. “Relationships are about compromise, and as much as a fray partner should understand and make space for their partner’s experience, the partner needs to make space and understanding for the fray partner to be fray.”

Both Jasper and Ben admit one of the largest and most frequent hurdles about fraysexuality has nothing to do with them, but explaining their sexual orientation to others. Jasper says it feels like they are constantly feeling pressure to convince people that fraysexuality is different from “having less sex with your partner as time goes on,” which, of course, is very common in relationships. Both often feel judged following their disclosure as many will absentmindedly dismiss fraysexuality as some selfish excuse to sleep around.

This closed-minded perspective is sex-negative, queerphobic, and reinforces heteronormative, homonormative and mononormative (the idea that monogamy is more natural than non-monogamy) structures that are harmful to everybody. “We have a very harmful idea that sex is only valuable when it’s connected to emotional or romantic feelings, and it’s preferable if those feelings are exclusive to one other person,” Daigle-Orians says. “But sex can be beautiful, powerful, fulfilling, and valuable without deep feelings. Queer folks need to stop thinking that we achieve some sort of nobility when we mimic heteronormative values and standards for sex.”

It isn’t mentioned much, but sexual attraction isn’t necessary in a relationship. It can be an important and helpful component, but it isn’t essential for a relationship’s success. Normative sexualities have led us to believe the only good relationship is one where sex, romance and all types of attraction are firing all at once, forever. But that’s not true, or all that realistic.

 

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Though it’s not surprising, very little (if any) research has been written on fraysexuality. So unfortunately we don’t exactly know how common it is, though the Good Men Project did casually toss out that one to five percent of the population is fraysexual without citing any sources. Considering one to two percent of the population is asexual, this figure probably isn’t too far off.

Of course, there could be many more fraysexuals out there, they just don’t know such a thing exists. Being visible, vocal, and patient (oh, so patient) has proven to popularise and legitimise lesser known sexualities throughout history. Much like Dr. Joe Kort has recently accomplished when popularizing “sides,” who represent individuals that prefer non-penetrative sexual acts.

Fraysexuals: If it feels right, satiate people’s curiosity by educating them on your sexuality. Advocate for asexuals everywhere. Who knows, maybe they can relate. One of my closest friends now identifies as a fraysexual after we had a frank chat about it on a road trip. Maybe this article has done the same for you.

The post When less is more: Let’s talk about fraysexuality appeared first on GAY TIMES.

Anal training. Ever heard of it?

WORDS BY BOBBY BOX
HEADER DESIGN BY ANISA CLEAVER 

While it’s a concept many might not be familiar with, it’s significant to a well-prepared and pleasurable anal sex experience. This is especially true if you’re new to anal sex, you’re looking to graduate to larger sizes or more extreme acts like fisting, or it’s been a while since you’ve last had something in your ass.

Anal training is the practice of gradually dilating your booty hole at a comfortable pace so you don’t experience pain or discomfort during anal intercourse. As pleasurable as anal sex can be, the fact of the matter is that it’s still a high-pressure act that’s susceptible to injuries and afflictions like microtears, hemorrhoids, skin tags, and fissures.

The muscles that require anal training are the anal sphincter muscles, which are a little over an inch inside your butt. Both the internal and external sphincter muscles form a ring around the anus, and their primary function is to prevent you from unexpectedly farting and shitting yourself.

This is to say they’re used to being closed tight the majority of the time, so when you suddenly attempt to penetrate these muscles, they can get shocked, in a sense, and become sore as a result. Kind of like when you lift too heavy at the gym and your muscles are sore the next day.

The anal sphincter, like all muscles, requires training to perform at their best. Only instead of lifting weights, anal training uses toys and penises to stretch the muscles and help them relax for penetration. And instead of progressing toward heavier weights, the goal of anal training is often to progress toward larger sizes.

Not only does anal training help the muscles relax, it also allows for skin elasticity and toughness courtesy of the friction and continual stretching involved with anal training. Both factors will also help prevent injury.

Anal Training 101

As a concept, anal training is simple. Start with a small toy, and gradually work your way toward larger sizes as your body gets comfortable. Anal training usually takes anywhere from four to six weeks, with each dilation session lasting about three to five minutes.

During these sessions, you will insert a toy to its widest point (or where it’s comfortable) and remove the toy, repeating this process 15 times for two sets. Stick with each toy for roughly two weeks. Though you will likely feel that you can upsize earlier, you want the muscle memory to understand relaxation.

These are just general guidelines, however, and some people have different goals and different holes. Some people’s skin and muscles are tighter than others, so if you take a little longer than expected, be gentle and don’t give up.

At no point in this experience should you feel pain. Some initial discomfort might occur as you initially enter and stretch the sphincter muscles, but this sensation should be fairly dull. If it feels intense, take a step back and only penetrate as far as is comfortable. When met with resistance, try leaving the toy inside for a few seconds so your muscles can relax, and press forward only when you’re ready.

If you’re worried that anal training will make your hole too relaxed (though it likely won’t: the anal sphincter is four times stronger than it needs to be) you can rectify this by repeatedly inserting your favourite anal toy and squeezing the sphincter muscles around it.

The Necessary Tools

Before you even consider putting a toy or penis in your butt, make sure it is liberally lubricated, as our bums don’t lubricate themselves enough to ease the friction of anal intercourse.

If you’re using a toy made from silicone, abstain from using silicone lubricants as they are not compatible. This lube can actually reduce the integrity of your silicone toy over time. When in doubt, a thick water-based lubricant is your safest bet.

When it comes to the toy, you want one that is small at the tip and grows larger toward the base, since experiencing gradual girth will be a lot more comfortable. You also need a toy with a flared base, so you don’t lose it inside you. You see, your booty acts like a vacuum beyond the sphincter muscles and will suck up whatever is inserted inside. The flared base prevents this from happening.

When you’re upsizing, aim for a toy that is roughly a finger wider than the last so you don’t jump too far ahead and hurt yourself. Admittedly, when shopping for anal toys, people’s eyes are bigger than their holes.

Fortunately, there are kits solely created for anal training purposes. For example, the Anal Training Kit and Education Set by b-Vibe includes three toys of graduated sizes, as well as a lubricant applicator, enema bulb, and a 50+ page guide to anal sex written by certified educators. There are also a number of different dilation sets and even prostate training kits available for similar purposes. Or, you can purchase larger sized toys as you’re ready to upsize.

This may seem like a lot of work, but it only gets quicker and easier as you progress, and it’s what’s best for your hole. Unfortunately, we were never taught much of anything about anal sex, so many people have no way of knowing what’s right and wrong without experiencing it first-hand, which can in some cases be quite traumatic.

So I want to applaud you for reading this article and proactively educating yourself on how to properly train for a fantastic anal f*cking. Give yourselves a pat on the back, or perhaps a modest-sized toy in the hole.

The post Why “anal training” is paramount when bottoming appeared first on GAY TIMES.