In this edition of GAY TIMES’ polyamory advice column, Leanne Yau explores supporting a partner who is struggling with their mental health.  

WORDS LEANNE YAU

Welcome to A Polyamorous Perspective, an advice column where I, Leanne Yau – polyamory educator and trainee sex therapist – answer your burning questions on navigating all things non-monogamy. I’ve been in various forms of open relationships since 2016, and have been publicly sharing tips, personal stories, and resources on how to practise healthy, sustainable polyamory since 2020 on my page, @polyphiliablog.

Hi Leanne

Hope you’re good! Me and my boyfriend have been in an open relationship for nine months or so. We’d always maintained that we were monogamish and would be free to kiss and flirt and potentially sleep with other people if the circumstance was right. However, when I started sleeping with someone else regularly, he really started freaking out. 

Eventually, we were able to patch things up, but he has been really sad and despondent in recent months. He sleeps all the time, has been drinking heavily and I’m not sure what to do. While he has started going to therapy and taking medication, he still has plenty of bad days. I can’t help but wonder, am I the cause of his depression? How do I bring this up without sounding totally self-absorbed?

Regards,

Anxious gf

Personally, I don’t think it’s self-absorbed to be concerned about what emotional impact you have on your partner, someone who you presumably spend a lot of time with and whose mood you have a high potential of affecting. Given that you opened up your relationship less than a year ago and have recently been struggling, it’s not such a wild leap of logic to presume that introducing a big change to your relationship like non-monogamy might be a contributing factor to your partner’s mental health. 

If we were having a dialogue, I would have asked in what ways he was “freaking out” when you started seeing someone on a regular basis, and what you meant by being “able to patch things up”, but I can only work with the limited information you’ve given me. While I can’t fully say whether opening up your relationship is the whole reason why your partner is depressed, I would say it is unlikely. I won’t waste time speculating on what other reasons there might be – only you, your partner, and his therapist/doctors will be able to sort that out – so let’s focus on the non-monogamy part, and what can potentially be done about that.

What does “monogamish” mean in practice? 

As you said, you and your partner agree on a “monogamish” relationship – i.e. a relationship that is sexually and romantically monogamous as a baseline standard, with occasional allowances for other (usually sexual) connections that are (usually) one-offs and considered an exception to the norm.

For most monogamish couples, examples of this could include hooking up with a stranger on a night out with friends, or a brief dalliance with someone you’ll probably never see again while travelling somewhere foreign. Monogamish relationships are popular for couples who don’t want to be confined by strict monogamy and potentially miss out on exciting opportunities, but who also don’t necessarily want to commit to the time and energy it takes to maintain multiple connections so they can keep their focus on their primary relationship.

However, as can sometimes happen when people actually put non-monogamous theory into practice, what you ended up doing looks quite different to what you set out to do. This is relatively common, from my experience – for example, I’ve worked with many people who initially started out only wanting a sexually non-monogamous relationship, but later realised that they didn’t enjoy casual sex and one-night stands, so transitioned to polyamory to make room for more consistent connections and romance to happen. 

While making changes can be scary and cause conflict, you’re allowed to change your mind on what you want out of a relationship if what you initially agreed on ended up not being such a good fit – and this applies to many things, not just non-monogamy. Some partners end up settling comfortably into the changes, and others acknowledge incompatible desires and break up; either option is perfectly valid. Knowing what you want, and having the flexibility to stay open-minded on what your partner(s) might want while also being aware of your boundaries, is key for healthy non-monogamy (and relationships in general)!

The transition from monogamish to non-monogamy

But back to you. By sleeping with someone on a regular basis, you’d now be in what I would consider an “open relationship”, which is a much broader term for a relationship that is (usually) romantically monogamous but sexually non-monogamous, where connections outside of your relationship are no longer considered to be exceptions, but an accepted part of your daily lives. 

Now, I’m not privy to the exact discussions you had with your partner on the parameters of your non-monogamy, but if I had to guess, it was probably that which freaked him out. Monogamish relationships typically see the “open” side of their relationship as something relatively contained – it’s a part of your relationship you play with every now and again, but it can just as easily be put away, and the lack of sustained connections means it doesn’t really affect your day-to-day life. 

Open relationships, on the other hand, involve consistent connections that, while still casual, mean you are more likely to actively make time for them and factor them into your schedule and decision-making, and they tend to have a more significant “presence” in your relationship in general, which can be emotionally difficult to deal with for some. Not to mention, sleeping with someone on a regular basis means you are building a connection with them, and the idea of that can be threatening to a lot of people, especially if they are worried that romantic feelings will develop as a result of having regular sex – which is a valid concern, as it can and does happen!

The importance of clarifying your relationship agreements and desires

Regardless of what else is going on with your partner that might be affecting his mental health, it sounds like some clarification of your relationship agreements and desires is in order. 

Here are some questions for you to reflect on and potentially discuss together:

• Are you still on the same page about what you want? Does your partner just need some time to adjust to you seeing someone on a regular basis – and if so, what support does he need from you, and what concerns might he have that you can address? Or, does he strongly prefer a monogamish relationship – and if so, is that something you can go back to, or do you fundamentally want different things?
• If you were to develop a deeper connection with this new partner (which is always possible), would that be something you were interested in pursuing, or would you want to keep things casual – and if so, how would you go about that?
• Are there practical concerns that are leading to his low mood – for example, could he be feeling neglected in the relationship now that you’re seeing this other person regularly, and is there a discussion to be had about your scheduling to ensure everyone’s needs for quality time are met?
• What else might he need from you while he is going through this difficult period, and how are you going to balance your own energy and capacity to achieve this?

As a final note, the way you’ve phrased your concern as “self-absorbed” implies to me that perhaps a part of you feels wrong or guilty for having a fun time with a new person while your partner is struggling, or maybe even that you feel being non-monogamous is hurting him. 

While I see where this thought is coming from, I feel I need to nip this mononormative thought in the bud. It is never selfish to maintain other connections and have a life outside of the relationship, whether with friends, family, or other partners. Even if it does turn out that non-monogamy (or perhaps this particular style of non-monogamy) isn’t for him and is leading to poor mental health on his end, that still doesn’t mean you are wrong for desiring non-monogamy, or that non-monogamy is inherently hurtful or incompatible with a partner going through mental health issues. 

A big part of responsible non-monogamy is time and energy management, so as long as you are able to meet your partner’s needs and maintain your existing commitments to each other, there is absolutely nothing wrong with being who you are and doing things that bring you joy. 

Everyone deserves time for themselves to recharge, and who knows – maybe engaging in this new connection will help to give you the energy you need to support your partner while he navigates his depression, so it may actually be a benefit rather than a drawback.

 Ultimately, it’s up to you two to decide whether a relationship, monogamous or not, is viable going forward and what you need from each other to make it happen, but it’s important to honour the needs of everyone involved, not just the person who is going through a hard time.

Want Leanne to answer your non-monogamy and relationship questions? Email megan.wallace@gaytimes.com with “A Polyamorous Perspective – Question” in the subject line.

The post “Has our non-monogamous relationship given my boyfriend depression?” appeared first on GAY TIMES.

In this edition of GAY TIMES’ polyamory advice column, Leanne Yau breaks down the non-monogamous community’s opinions on sex work. 

WORDS LEANNE YAU

Welcome to A Polyamorous Perspective, an advice column where I, Leanne Yau – a bisexual, polyamorous, and neurodivergent educator, writer, advocate, and expert at Taimi – answer your burning questions on navigating all things non-monogamy. I’ve been in various forms of open relationships since 2016, and have been publicly sharing tips, personal stories, and resources on how to practise healthy, sustainable polyamory since 2020 on my page, @polyphiliablog.

Dear Leanne,

I’ve been seeing a girl for a few months and she’s told me she’s non-monogamous, which NBD, I’m open to. I have previously said I’d prefer something more committed but she said she wanted to keep things casual. 

On the other hand, when I told her I’d had my first camming session and signed up to a sugaring website she started crying and accused me of ruining our relationship. I found this kind of confusing as she said she was non-monogamous. 

So, my question, is this kind of behaviour typical? Are non-monogamous people inclusive of sex workers, or can I expect to receive this kind of judgement from other poly/ENM folks in future?

Regards,

SWer Demands Respect

First things first, I’m really sorry that this happened. It’s horrific that you received such an unexpected negative reaction from someone you thought you could trust, especially someone who you wanted a more committed relationship from. I’m honestly as confused as you are that this happened, as from what I have seen, most non-monogamous people are much more accepting and inclusive of sex workers than monogamous people are, though my experience is of course not universal.

Is the non-monogamous community supportive of sex workers?

A lot of monogamous people would hesitate to date a sex worker because they are unable to separate the sex that one has in an intimate relationship, and sex that one has as a performance and a professional transaction, and view all sex outside of a relationship as infidelity regardless of the context in which it is had. Because of this misconception, while there are sex workers who do desire monogamous relationships, many sex workers opt for non-monogamy due to the lack of requirement for sexual exclusivity and a higher likelihood of sharing similar values on sexual and bodily autonomy.

Having said that, sex work is still widely misunderstood and stigmatised, and many people don’t view it as a valid profession, even those who consider themselves progressive in their values and have done the work to embrace non-traditional relationships. Just like there are so-called ‘feminists’ who are transphobic (trans-exclusionary radical feminists, or TERFs), there are ‘feminists’ who are whorephobic (sex work-exclusionary radical feminists, or SWERFs).

In my opinion, a pretty core part of non-monogamy is embracing sex-positive values and the right to make our own decisions about what we do with our bodies and the sex we have (if we want to have it), and to me, monetising one’s body and sexuality is included in that. However, not all non-monogamous people feel the same way, and there are definitely non-monogamous people who have complicated feelings about sex work, however contradictory that may seem.

How to broach sex work with a sexual partner

If you are still in contact with this partner, this might be an opportunity to have a chat about how this has made you feel, why she responded in this way, and what agreements you can set in your non-monogamous dynamic (if you still desire one) that make both of you feel secure and respected. Your partner’s reaction could be based on personal values around the validity of sex work, and if that is the case, then the two of you are simply incompatible in my opinion – you deserve a partner who recognises and respects sex work as work.

However, there could be other reasons, and without more information, I can only guess and make suggestions, but here are some possibilities. Perhaps she is worried about the social stigma around dating a sex worker in addition to the stigma that already exists around non-monogamy, or is threatened by the amount of sex you will have through work and is afraid she won’t measure up as a partner. Of course, that doesn’t make her accusation that you are “ruining” the relationship any less harsh than it is, but being non-monogamous doesn’t automatically mean one is immune to strong emotions or saying the wrong thing when feeling activated – she’s only human, and humans make mistakes.

Another explanation for her actions is that she is simply experiencing jealousy and insecurity and her tears have nothing to do with sex work at all. Maybe she was expecting different parameters for your relationship and hadn’t fully communicated them, or is worried about the changes to your relationship that your new job will present. In that case, having a conversation and providing her the reassurance she needs may resolve things quicker than you think.

Like with any relationship, you deserve to be with someone who respects you, your body, and what you choose to do with it. If her reaction has left a bad taste in your mouth, I would understand if you don’t want any further contact. However, if you are invested in getting more clarity from the situation, I would encourage you to communicate with each other to avoid future misunderstandings and hopefully reach a resolution…even if that resolution is breaking things off and moving on.

Want Leanne to answer your non-monogamy and relationship questions? Email megan.wallace@gaytimes.co.uk with “A Polyamorous Perspective – Question” in the subject line.

The post “My non-monogamous situationship cried when I told her I started doing sex work” appeared first on GAY TIMES.

Polyamorous educator Leanne Yau responds to a reader who has unwittingly become a forgotten member of a throuple.

WORDS LEANNE YAU

Welcome to A Polyamorous Perspective, an advice column where I, Leanne Yau – a bisexual, polyamorous, and neurodivergent educator, writer, advocate, and expert at Taimi – answer your burning questions on navigating all things non-monogamy. I’ve been in various forms of open relationships since 2016, and have been publicly sharing tips, personal stories, and resources on how to practise healthy, sustainable polyamory since 2020 on my page, @polyphiliablog.

Dear Leanne,

I started dating a guy who was in a couple and he told me that the one rule in his non-monogamous relationship was complete secrecy about what he gets up to with others in his dating life. Then, I started dating another guy with the exact same set-up. I ask around on the scene and…turns out they are a couple! I feel a bit cringe dating them both at the same time, especially since – unbeknownst to them – we’re basically a throuple at this point. I’m dreading the moment that I bump into them both at a party and the other shoe drops. How do I navigate this while respecting the privacy they each want in their dating life? 

Regards,

Forgotten throuple member

What a dilemma! I can only imagine how uncomfortable and anxious you must be feeling in having to deal with keeping such a big secret from two people at the same time. Dating two people who have explicitly asked for secrecy, only to find out they’re a couple, adds a layer of complexity you didn’t sign up for.

To be honest, the chances of this happening were probably fairly significant – the polyamorous population is much smaller and more tight-knit than those who date monogamously, and it’s pretty common for couples to have similar tastes in people – but I can absolutely understand how this situation has the potential to be a bit of a ticking time-bomb. Let’s unpack this together.

In short, you’ve found yourself in a ‘Don’t Ask Don’t Tell’ arrangement

The situation that you’ve found yourself in is commonly referred to in the polyamorous community as a “don’t ask don’t tell”, or DADT, arrangement, which is pretty much what it says on the tin: don’t ask each other about who you’re dating, and don’t tell each other about who you’re dating. It’s different from monogamous cheating, because the parties in the relationship are fully aware that they’re seeing other people – they just don’t want to discuss it or hear about it happening.

It’s also slightly different from tolyamory – a more recent neologism coined by Dan Savage, where two people are ostensibly in a monogamous relationship but turn a blind eye to each other’s infidelity – in that the parties have explicitly agreed to the arrangement rather than falling into it without discussion. 

There are various reasons people may desire or practise DADT, and I’ve found the most common motivations are a desire for discretion and privacy, to avoid dealing with jealousy that arises from hearing about other partners (whether temporarily or permanently), and to maintain a facade of monogamy to avoid the stigma and judgement that can come from openly practising non-monogamy.

Don’t get me wrong – practising non-monogamy doesn’t mean that your partner needs to know absolutely everything about what you’re doing, and different people have different agreements on what to disclose or keep private in their relationship, or how much interaction they want between metamours.

But, as DADT is a pretty extreme form of keeping your relationships separate, where you not only do not disclose what happens in your relationships, but also whether or not you even have other relationships at all, it is considered a controversial and relatively fringe practice under the non-monogamy umbrella, and often creates more problems than it solves.

 

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Behold: the potential problems with Don’t Ask Don’t Tell arrangements

Firstly, the secrecy and lack of information inherent to DADT presents a pretty major barrier to informed consent in non-monogamy, and often leads to people lying directly to their partners to maintain this secrecy, especially if they live together and are able to maintain a close eye on each other day-to-day.

Secondly, people often use DADT to bury their heads in the sand about the fact that they are in a non-monogamous relationship, which not only is avoiding some much-needed personal work around jealousy and insecurity, but may also indicate that they are betraying their personal needs and values around what they want in relationships.

Thirdly, DADT introduces a hierarchy that has the potential to disenfranchise partners who are not part of the original couple, as they cannot practise their relationship as openly.

And finally, what I find happens in DADT a lot of the time is that people end up accidentally finding out that their partner went further with someone else than they imagined in their head, and the revelation can cause even bigger problems in the relationship than if everything was openly discussed and above board…like it has in your situation.

Of course, this isn’t the case for every single DADT dynamic – there are certainly ones that can work, but from what I have seen, DADT is generally best suited for couples who desire short-term connections (e.g. the occasional hookup with strangers, or only engaging with other people on long-distance business trips where there is little to no chance of partners ever meeting), rather than ones that are sustained long-term.

 

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TLDR: Does this situation feel sticky to you?

With all that in mind, how do you feel about their rule of secrecy now that you’ve pieced together the connection? Is it something you are ultimately comfortable maintaining, or would it feel uncomfortable and deceptive for you? I would also consider how this might look long-term – how do you feel about both partners keeping you a secret from each other, and how far would you be comfortable taking these connections given the limitations presented?

If this feels like a problem for you, you could address this by approaching each partner individually and tactfully mentioning that secrecy in relationships isn’t something you’re entirely comfortable with, and give them a chance to reconsider the dynamic without forcing the issue or revealing that you know they are a couple.

As for the issue of potentially running into them both at the same event, it might be time to discuss with each of them how you want to interact with each other in public. A lot of DADT couples not only wish to keep their relationships secret from each other, but other people as well. Perhaps you can keep it casual and act as though you’re just meeting them both, or decide ahead of time what feels best for you if they catch on. But, once again, you have to consider what this means for you and your connections with each of them long-term.

Ultimately, it’s important that your values align with the dynamics you’re involved in, and that you carefully balance your respect and consideration for others’ boundaries and agreements with respect and consideration for yourself and your own needs.

If this situation feels sticky to you, and the secrecy and potential awkwardness don’t sit well with you long-term, it might be best to step back from one or both relationships. And if they do find out eventually and things go badly, it’s important to remember that you did your best to respect their desires, and that none of this is your fault.

Want Leanne to answer your non-monogamy and relationship questions? Email megan.wallace@gaytimes.co.uk with “A Polyamorous Perspective – Question” in the subject line.

The post “I’m dating both halves of a couple but neither of them know it – what can I do?” appeared first on GAY TIMES.

Leanne Yau, the relationships educator with over 350,000 followers as @polyphiliablog, gives candid advice about the world of non-monogamy – including whether to share your relationship style with relatives.

WORDS BY LEANNE YAU
HEADER DESIGN BY JACK ROWE

Welcome to A Polyamorous Perspective, an advice column where I, Leanne Yau – a bisexual, polyamorous, and neurodivergent educator, writer, and advocate – answer your burning questions on navigating all things non-monogamy. I’ve been in various forms of open relationships since 2016, and have been publicly sharing tips, personal stories, and resources on how to practise healthy, sustainable polyamory since 2020 on my page, @polyphiliablog.

Polyamory is a non-monogamous relationship style where you can have multiple simultaneous loving relationships with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. Over the years, it’s brought me so much joy, but also comes with its own set of challenges – just like monogamy! With that, let’s jump right in.

 

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“I’ve been monogamous all my life but have recently developed feelings for two separate people – how do I know if polyamory is right for me?”

I can definitely imagine how this scenario might be confusing! Having feelings for multiple people at once can sometimes feel like you’re being pulled in different directions, especially when most of us have been taught that you can only be in one relationship at a time and that your attraction isn’t real unless it is focused on a singular person.

This is a concept called “mononormativity”, and it runs pretty deep in our societal and cultural values. Developing simultaneous crushes, or developing a crush while in a monogamous relationship, is one of the many ways non-monogamous people discover who they are and start to take steps towards a non-monogamous life.

However, something I always say is that attraction does not necessitate action – you can be attracted to someone without necessarily wanting to pursue a relationship with them. Crushes are one thing, but do you actually want to be in more than one relationship at the same time? Are you ready to take on the responsibility and work it requires to maintain them, to face the stigma of being non-monogamous, and to do the personal work to deconstruct mononormativity from your life? It’s a lot to take on, and the reality of non-monogamy often does not match up with the fantasy, so it’s not for everyone.

Moreover, are the two separate people in question non-monogamous themselves? You could be non-monogamous, but they might not be. Everyone gets to choose for themselves what relationship style they want to practise, and sometimes, even if there is chemistry, there may not be compatibility. If one of them said no to polyamory, would you still want to be in a polyamorous relationship with the other person and seek out other partners? If one of them wanted to be in a monogamous relationship with you, how would that make you feel?

So, how do you know if polyamory is right for you? You can’t really know for sure unless you try – but I’d definitely recommend reading and researching more about it first, and most importantly, figuring out for yourself a reason you want to be non-monogamous that isn’t just “because I want to be with these two people”.

 

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“Me and my partner have been open for the past 6 months, to mixed results. How do I broach the conversation that I want to close our relationship again?”

A relationship is a bit like Pandora’s Box – once you open it up, it changes things forever. This is not to say that you can’t go back to monogamy, but the way that you practise it after opening and closing will be forever changed. A lot of monogamous relationships operate on exclusivity being a core aspect of the commitment – you love each other, because you know you aren’t into other people.

This is why when someone wants to open up a monogamous relationship, it often throws the other person into a panic about whether they were ever loved at all, because acknowledging that you’re attracted to and want to be with other people is questioning one of the fundamental pillars that made your monogamous relationship feel secure. So if you go back to monogamy, I’d suggest renegotiating your relationship agreements, specifically around what happens if you find yourself attracted to other people in the future.

I’m also curious about why you want to close the relationship and what sort of “mixed results” you experienced. There are of course many valid reasons why someone might want to be in one relationship at a time, but if the reason why you want to close was because of unethical behaviour from your partner that led to mistrust and communication breakdowns in your relationship, I’m afraid that those problems won’t go away even after you close things down. Sure, there might be fewer people involved, but if the problem is your relational skills, that’s an issue that’s going to stick around no matter how many people you’re dating.

Finally, be prepared for the possibility that your partner might not want to close, and that you might have to make a difficult decision. It’s okay to try something and decide it isn’t your thing, but your partner might feel strongly about not going back to monogamy ever again. Ultimately, you do what works best for you, and sometimes that means acknowledging that you are no longer compatible.

 

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“I’ve been out as poly to my friends for several years, how do I come out to my family? I know they might not react well but I no longer want to feel like I’m hiding part of myself from them.”

Coming out is a very personal decision, and it’s understandable that you want to be your authentic self with the people that you love. I came out to my family as polyamorous first, and bisexual second, and like many queer polyamorous people, they responded to me being polyamorous much more negatively.

The LGBTQIA+ community has gotten much more visibility over the years, but people still struggle with the idea that love can involve more than two people. Hopefully, this will change as we gain more representation and more people are educated about the different ways love and relationships can look – which is part of the reason why I’m doing this column!

If you do go through with coming out to your family, I’d suggest preparing in advance for the potential reactions that might come your way. There are a lot of misconceptions about non-monogamy – in fact, I have an FAQ which addresses a bunch of them on my website – and having a rehearsed script will help you feel more grounded rather than put on the spot when you are inevitably questioned about it.

Most importantly, know that their approval (or lack thereof) does not determine your worth, and that you get to set boundaries with family on how you want to be treated. Don’t let your family walk all over you just because you want to maintain a relationship with them.

Some of them may react positively, some may come around over time, and some will never understand or make any attempts to do so. Educate as much as you feel able, but remember that it is never your responsibility to convince people who are committed to misunderstanding your position. Protect and love yourself, first and foremost.

Want Leanne to answer your non-monogamy and relationship questions? Email megan.wallace@gaytimes.co.uk with “A Polyamorous Perspective – Question” in the subject line.

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